Thursday, November 7, 2013

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Life is kind of hilarious

And so is the way things work out.

We always think that something is so solidified, so set in stone, and that it'll never change. We, as humans, tend to get caught in routines. We think that we've made a decision, make choices based on that decision that we thought was a solid decision.. and then something comes around and kicks that decision in the nuts and tells it to fuck off. Or something more poetic. Though that probably confused anyone reading that.

The thing is, though, that whatever changes that one solid decision.. it's not always something negative. Even though that change comes in and knocks you flat on your ass (and possibly gives you a concussion...), it's not really something negative. Not truly. Now, that's not to say it's impossible for that something to be negative, which it certainly is and in most cases probably is, but it's not always.

I've mentioned before that life is kind of hilarious. About a month ago, apparently. Holy shit time just gets faster. Though I think I said that, too.. I'm quite repetitive, apparently. I still think it is, though, and I'm still reeling from being knocked on my ass. Actually, I'm pretty sure I got a concussion from how hard I was knocked over. And, apparently, I'm more receptive to change than I'd expected. It's also kind of weird, at least to me, how incredibly easy it is for things (everything, really) to change at the drop of a hat.

It's now that I realize how many drafts on this thing I have. So many unfinished thoughts, things I'd wanted to say (even just to myself), so many things I quit halfway through. And yet.. I don't really mind it. Which I think is weird since I kind of dislike the drafts existing (at least I kind of always did), since it just struck me as my being too lazy to finish something that I'd started.. but now I realize that some things are best left unsaid, some things best left unfinished.

I've started reading, apparently. And apparently have a profile on goodreads. I kind of don't really know what's going on, I just got bombarded with book recommendations from a friend and it went from there. No, seriously, I've been in a daze for the past like, month and a half.

I've got two vacation trip things planned out as of right now, which of course excites me. The nine hour drive to Missouri, however, does not. I get to see my darling best friend in yet another play, (this time I think minus a drawn on beard?) and I will (hopefully) return this time without modifying my hair (somewhere during the last one I kind of became a ginger and began to resemble Merida?).. though a few other interesting things might happen. And, even more unexpected than basically everything I've done.. I'm going back to Miami. I never thought I'd set foot in Miami again, and yet I'm apparently going there. (My mom also said as much.. and then bitched for a minute or two about having to clean the house because she let it fall in to disrepair. But she's a neat freak so I kind of really doubt it. That much, anyway.)

I have rediscovered my love of tea. No, seriously, I've been drinking so much of it as of late it's kind of insane. (And at the rate Tom and I are going at, it feels like we're keeping our favorite tea place in business.)

And speaking of new beginnings and unfinished things and all that jazz.. It feels really weird to say that Tom and I split up. Maybe that's why this past month and a half has been this massive blur. That was probably one of the really unexpected things to happen this year. I say that full aware we've still got like, two months to go before 2013 ends, but I still find it relevant. Mr. Thinks He's Amusing But Really Isn't still infuriates graces me with his puns, since rent is a bitch and the cat still likes me. Kind of. I'm mostly just a water bowl filler to her.. and a pillow. Of course that doesn't stop him from coming over just to say something, to which I reply sarcastically and he turns in to a (really lame) pun. Apparently, things have not changed much. Not too much, anyway.. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself because I'm just flabbergasted at.. well. Everything.

But that's nothing new, right?

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

It's kind of really funny..

It's kind of really funny how unexpected life is. Like, really really.

This thing has been so neglected because I just can't bring myself to write. I want to write, I want to remember, but I'm terrified to admit that it's over. I hate how quickly time passes, and it can't be slowed. It keeps going, faster and faster, and there's nothing that can be done. Days zoom by, and then you wake up and it's fucking October.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

There's things I should be doing instead of typing.

But then again that's always true for me.

I'm sitting here with a classical Pandora station playing, staring at Lightroom. And I can't concentrate. At all. I keep remembering the time I had there, I'm sad it's over, and I'm dying to go back. There wasn't enough time there. There wasn't enough time to explore the cities, to enjoy the people, to fully experience it. Though I guess wording it like that makes it obvious there never really will be enough time for that. And I hate it. I hate how the world dictates that someone is, essentially, stuck in a place. Moving is a hassle, immigration is a bitch.. and traveling is way too short. Also, paying rent here and basically doing the same over there? That's expensive as hell. You can always move, but it's not always practical- and I hate it. I hate being basically grounded to a country (states, even) because of pets. I love them, don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade them for anything. But I hate how much they restrict traveling. I hate how leaving them alone is such a heartbreaking thing. I hate how there's so much out there to see, and I'm tied down and stuck in one place. I hate how boring it is back home after you travel. I hate how I'm looking at these images and knowing that I will never, ever be in that situation again. I hate knowing I won't see some people there for years, if ever. I hate how vivid the memories are, like it was yesterday, because so much has changed since then. I fucking hate it. I hate how everything washes back.. the people, the warmth of the sun, the sounds, the general ambiance.. and then I snap back and I'm here. In my chair that's been busted for a while with Pandora still playing, with Pepper singing over in her cage, with the desk cluttered, with Tom at work, with Ziggy sleeping over in the other room under her blanket like always.. and how there's no way it's coming back.

This vicious cycle repeats with almost every image, and I hate it. I hate how I can't stop it. I hate how I feel guilty if I don't so much as look over the images- if I don't rate and categorize and edit and queue for upload and how I know one of the main reasons I went over there was to photograph.. and I can't even do more than let them sit in Lightroom, gathering virtual dust. I hate how I've been brought to tears over the longing to go back.

I hate that I can't.